the power – From a teenager’s acceptance letters to adult children chasing careers and publishing work, a mother describes how she learned to keep her praise to herself—and how one painful discovery changed the way she shows pride. The story turns on a simple pattern: adm
Several years ago, driving behind a car with a “my-child-is-an-honor-student” bumper sticker, she told her oldest son in the passenger seat, “I always wanted one of those.”
He was a college student then, and he answered plainly: “Why? It doesn’t mean anything.”
He was right that honor roll in elementary or middle school isn’t. by any measurable yardstick. a predictor of future success. Even so, she still wanted one. It’s a thread she recognizes in herself, because none of her five children was an academic superstar. They rarely earned honor roll for more than one quarter of any school year. and none was named to the Dean’s List in college. Still, she says she has been “exceedingly proud” of each one.
The trouble is that pride didn’t always travel from her heart into her words.
Her own parents weren’t generous with praise. She grew up in the mid-20th century in a generation “not hardwired for affirmation. ” and she didn’t learn what praise can do because she didn’t receive much of it. She describes herself as a well-behaved kid. a decent student. and a pretty compliant daughter—someone who didn’t need constant positive reinforcement to stay on track. even if it “would have been nice” sometimes.
When she was accepted into all five colleges she applied to during her senior year of high school. her parents were not “over the moon” with excitement. She remembers being unable to wait to tell her dad after the fifth acceptance letter arrived from her first-choice school. If he was proud. she says he “didn’t show it. ” and she still feels disappointed that he didn’t give her a big hug and tell her he was proud.
That memory sits underneath how she raised her own children.
When her kids were small, she praised them often and celebrated milestones—learning to use the toilet, tying their shoes, riding a bike. But as they grew, she became quieter with the praise.
She remembers the year her third son’s Little League team won the championship. When he struck out. she consoled him. but she didn’t high-five him for hitting the line drive that clinched the series. Later. when another son sang a solo during a school concert that was so beautiful it silenced the audience. she was “too stunned” to tell him he had done an amazing job.
Now that her children are adults. she says each of them is achieving great things—and that makes her even more certain she should tell them she is proud. One is an artist in high demand. Another is a photographer whose work is published internationally. Her youngest son, a UX designer, was recruited by a top tech company halfway through his junior year of college. Her second son, who works in finance, created a unique investment vehicle that has launched his career into the stratosphere. Each success, she insists, is extraordinary.
And still, she rarely says it directly.
She is willing to share her pride everywhere else. She talks about her children with friends and colleagues. She posts to Zoom chats and populates Slack channels with proud-mama moments. She sends links to Google alerts she has set up. forwards their Reels from Instagram. and shares photos in group chats.
But she says she “rarely sends them texts” to say how thrilled she is for them.
She tries to name why that reluctance exists. Maybe she is overwhelmed by their success. “Where did the talent come from?. Certainly not from me.” But her role. as their mother. is to congratulate them—and she admits she didn’t fully understand how important direct praise could be until something hit her hard.
Her third son confronted her with an email she had written years before about a photo essay he published. Instead of complimenting his work, she critiqued the composition. He was devastated by her comments. He had worked hard on the project and had hoped she would recognize its value. but she wrote about its flaws.
When he read her words back to her, she says she was shocked. She didn’t remember writing them, and she struggled to understand why she had been negative. She felt ashamed because she had hurt him.
That moment became the turning point. No matter their age, she says, her children want her praise. Since then, she has been working “really hard” to tell each one just how proud of them she truly is.
“They’re extraordinary people,” she concludes, “and they should hear that often from their mother.”
parenting praise family relationships emotional intelligence honor roll college admissions careers UX designer investment vehicle photography Little League