social comparison – A surge of comparing—especially through social media—can turn achievements into anxiety. One author lays out how “catch it, check it, change it,” gratitude, and tighter feed boundaries can break the cycle.
When she delivered a career highlight—keynote remarks at an event at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, delivered virtually during the COVID-19 pandemic—an hour later she felt something she didn’t expect: panic.
In her mind, the same questions began looping, again and again, after big wins. “Am I doing enough?” “Am I keeping up?” “What’s next?” The spike wasn’t limited to speeches. It followed the publication of each of her three books, the birth of her son, and every other goal she’d set.
The pattern has a name in psychology: the “hedonic treadmill,” a concept describing how people return quickly to a baseline level of feelings after major life changes—so the high after a promotion doesn’t last, and the mind turns immediately toward what might bring an even bigger rush.
For her, the trigger was often comparison, especially the instant she would see someone else “winning an even bigger prize” on social media. Celebration became impossible. The thought shifted from “enjoy this” to “on to the next, or I’ll fall behind.”
Some researchers suggest 12% of daily thoughts—or up to two hours a day—are spent comparing ourselves with each other, and the author argues that this default can make stress worse.
The broader health picture tracks with that lived experience. The American Psychological Association reports that 83% of Americans who identify as stressed or lonely experience physical symptoms. A 2023 survey found nearly 60% of people say work-related stress affects their daily productivity and focus.
That combination—personal comparison after wins, and stress that shows up in the body and in performance—helps explain why she believes the competition doesn’t stay contained. It becomes a constant “scorecard,” running in the background as both others and the self are treated like judges.
What she proposes is not a denial of ambition, but an intentional refusal to keep living on that scoreboard. She calls it “to uncompete,” a way to opt out of the cycle of comparison and competition that can pull people into burnout.
The first step is blunt: notice when life turns into a scorecard. In the author’s own account, the scoreboard appeared most strongly around certain individuals and when she spent too much time on social media.
In those moments, she says she had to stop and ask a more personal question: how is she doing based on her own yardstick, rather than someone else’s? And then, what does she actually need to feel good and live a good life?
She doesn’t frame it as a permanent cure for everything that’s hard. But she says the practice slows the autopilot response that kicks in when envy takes over.
Then comes a technique drawn from cognitive behavioral therapy: “catch it. check it. change it.” The method starts with catching the comparison thought the moment it surfaces. Next, check it by asking whether the feeling or thought is logical, realistic, and helpful. Finally, change it by writing down a more realistic, logical, and helpful way of thinking.
She adds that she often writes down what she’s grateful for as well. describing it as research-backed for reducing stress and boosting self-esteem. In her telling. the hard part isn’t the technique—it’s making time to slow down and interrupt automatic scoring thoughts. But when she does. she says the pause can calm the nervous system and replace unhelpful thoughts with ones grounded in reality.
Envy, however, isn’t cast as purely destructive. Psychologists, she says, typically divide it into two buckets: benign envy and malicious envy. Benign envy can motivate people to “do better,” signaling goals or dreams inspired by others. Malicious envy, by contrast, can lead to sabotage, self-sabotage, or resentment—guiding people to “level down.”.
Even naming which kind of envy is showing up, she writes, can help someone catch the loop before it accelerates.
That’s where social media boundaries enter the picture. The author points to time spent online as a key factor: she notes the average person spends more than two hours globally on social media, and that for teens in America, it goes up to nearly five hours a day.
She says she doesn’t believe in bans. For her, social media is also a tool for sharing her work. But she has tried to be more mindful about what she consumes.
In practice. she limited interactions with—or unfollowed—accounts tied to body-toxic ideals or narrow beauty standards. because she noticed those inputs made her spiral into comparative. competitive thoughts about her body and appearance. She also says her feeds are curated to share content that informs, inspires, or educates her.
She adds two more guardrails: she takes social media off her phone on weekends and while on vacation.
Loneliness is another pressure point in the comparison cycle. American adults are living through a loneliness epidemic, according to former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. and the author argues it’s easier to get pulled into comparison when real interaction is replaced by curated digital feeds or virtual meetings.
Her prescription is simple: surround yourself with others. She describes how meeting in person changed what online life had already distorted.
One friend who looked wildly successful on social media—and who often triggered comparison thoughts in her—confided during a lunch that her friend’s life also had hard moments. In that face-to-face conversation. she says the friend was humanized. and her “malicious envy” felt less justified once it was seen up close.
Community, the author writes, can be an antidote to both loneliness and comparison—especially when people can be vulnerable with one another.
Her broader argument is that “to uncompete” can counter the “more. better. faster” approach to life that she links to unprecedented stress and anxiety. By opting out of comparison and competition on purpose. she says people regain agency and open space for healthier. community-driven. and more joyful lives.
Ruchika T. Malhotra is the author of “Uncompete: Rejecting Competition to Unlock Success.” She is also the founder of Candour. a global inclusion strategy firm. She previously held adjunct faculty roles at Seattle University and the University of Washington. where she advises the Communication Leadership graduate program.
In the end, the most telling detail may be the timing: an hour after a keynote at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, panic had already returned.
The question she leaves readers with is whether achievements—big or small—have been turned into another kind of test, one you never get to finish.
social comparison burnout hedonic treadmill cognitive behavioral therapy envy social media boundaries gratitude loneliness epidemic stress