What the heck am I supposed to do with my ‘DEMOCRATS ARE ANTI-AMERICAN SOCIALIST SCUM!’ yard sign?
Takeaways from primaries in Wisconsin, Minnesota and South Carolina
David Crowley won the Democratic primary for governor in Wisconsin in a blow to the Democratic socialist movement.
I was told radical leftist socialism is on the march. I was told the Midwestern cheese empire of Wisconsin was going to fall into the hands of Marxist cheddar redistributors and that I should bury my 401(k) and my most precious belongings in the backyard.
State lawmaker Francesca Hong, a democratic socialist, was sure to win the Wisconsin gubernatorial Democratic primary, showing the rest of America that liberals had all but fully slid into communism. This is what the loud voices on Fox News and on the internet told me.
So imagine my shock – not relief, really, because I enjoy being angry and afraid – when I learned Hong lost the primary to Milwaukee County Executive David Crowley, a candidate boosted by establishment Democrats.
Hong’s defeat in the Wisconsin primary shakes up my fear of socialism
What the heck am I supposed to do with my “DEMOCRATS ARE ANTI-AMERICAN SOCIALIST SCUM!” yard sign? It’s going to look really dumb if I have to cross out “SOCIALIST” and replace it with “MAINSTREAM.”
Fox News had assured me that Hong was dead set on implementing evil policies like a tax hike on the rich, and free childcare, and a ban on data centers. You know, the things the so-called polls and also my neighbors tell me are broadly popular. (I don’t trust polls or my neighbors.)
The right-wing narrative about socialism MUST continue!
Fox News Digital cited Wisconsin’s GOP gubernatorial candidate Tom Tiffany in reporting that “the election could determine whether Wisconsin becomes a ‘firewall’ against the spread of socialism.”
Well heck, Tom, how is the general election going to stop the spread of socialism when Hong’s loss in the darn Democratic primary appears to have stopped it? That just completely blows up the narrative, and I DO NOT LIKE IT when the narrative blows up.
I was promised high drama and an electoral war to halt socialism in its tracks, and the fact that only a handful of Democratic candidates are remotely socialist and that there’s no actual threat of America being overtaken by socialism DOES NOT MATTER. I want my drama, I want my war and I want the narrative that algorithms have permanently imprinted on my brain to always be right.
What else am I going to be angry about? High gas prices, war and tainted meat?
To feel safe, I need a not-extreme Republican who denies election results
No, I need to fear extremist Democrats who are threatening to make health care affordable; otherwise, I can’t sleep at night. And I need to see non-extremist Republican candidates like Tiffany, who is a slavish Trump supporter, a sensible election denier, a backer of extreme abortion bans and is funded by billionaires connected to Project 2025.
You know … normal.
Now I have to wait for Fox News and the algorithms and the guys I listen to who yell constantly to tell me why I need to be mad at and fearful of Crowley, the Democrat who beat Hong.
If I had to guess, I’d say they’re going to warn me that he’s a socialist. Possibly a commie.
Boy, is that going to make me mad.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.