In two separate Dear Abby letters, readers describe relationship and health fears: one woman feels erased by a married man’s girlfriend and fears she may move nearby; a father worries his 26-year-old son binge eats to cope with anxiety and depression. Abby’s a
A woman in West Virginia writes that her husband’s coworker, “Jon,” seems to have a girlfriend who doesn’t just visit—she behaves as if the home belongs to someone else.
The writer says that whenever Jon brings his girlfriend around. her presence fills the room in a way that shuts her out. The girlfriend. she writes. doesn’t seem interested in befriending her. instead speaking with the husband “for hours on end.” When the woman tries to join the conversation. the girlfriend ignores her.
She describes trying to connect. The girlfriend came over and wanted to cook in the kitchen. but whenever the writer offered help. the girlfriend asked for her husband instead. The woman says the girlfriend sits by Jon as often as she can and tries to build “inside jokes” with him. while the writer feels like “a third wheel in my own home.”.
What makes the situation harder. the letter says. is that Jon doesn’t address the behavior—according to the writer. the same is true for his girlfriend. who appears to ignore Jon’s wife as well. Now. she adds. the girlfriend is talking about moving just two minutes away from their house and is actively looking for places.
In her response. Abby—written by Abigail Van Buren. also known as Jeanne Phillips. founded by Pauline Phillips—says the time for confusion is over. The advice is direct: have the conversation with the husband if it hasn’t happened yet. Point out. Abby writes. that Jon’s girlfriend’s actions appear to be a “super-sized crush” that goes beyond normal friendliness—enough to ignore that the two of you are a couple and to treat the wife in a way that is insulting and disrespectful.
Abby tells the letter writer to speak plainly about boundaries: she should tell her spouse she no longer wants that woman in their home or even in their neighborhood. If the husband is hesitant to speak up. Abby advises the wife to do it herself—starting with telling Jon she doesn’t want his girlfriend around and explaining why.
The second letter comes from a father in Virginia who says he is worried about his son, “Caleb,” who is 26. The father writes that he loves his son regardless of his weight. but believes Caleb binge eats as a way to cope with anxiety and depression. He describes a bond built around food: it was a mutual love of eating that helped his son and his late mom connect.
The father points to examples that, in his view, show the pattern has become entrenched. When a favorite TV show ended its run, Caleb ate three pizzas in one sitting to celebrate. Another time, he ate an entire box of brownies in less than 30 minutes “just to see if he could.”
When the father suggests healthier options—or urges Caleb to eat less—he says Caleb responds with sarcasm, including lines like “vegetables are poison” and “let piggy eat his slop.”
The father also says Caleb rarely leaves his room in the basement and has lost touch with his few friends from long ago. He adds that Caleb is emotionally immature, making it difficult to talk with him. His goal, he writes, is for his son to become healthy and happy.
Abby’s answer focuses on shifting strategy away from lecturing. She tells the father to stop pushing only on diet because, in her view, it isn’t working. At 26, she says, Caleb is no longer a boy; he’s a grown man living in his father’s basement.
Abby urges a practical push: if Caleb doesn’t have a job, the father should insist he get one now. She says having something to do outside his room could pull him into regular routines and perhaps help build self-esteem. Abby also suggests discussing what Caleb plans to do with his life once he is independent. and she calls for sessions with a licensed mental health professional to address his emotional problems.
In both letters. the stakes are personal and immediate: one writer is trying to protect her place in her own home as an unwanted presence closes in; another is trying to reach a son whose eating has become a coping mechanism and whose life seems to have narrowed to a basement room. Abby’s guidance. in both cases. steers away from waiting for things to “work themselves out”—toward the conversations. boundaries. and steps that the writer can control.
Dear Abby Abigail Van Buren Jeanne Phillips Pauline Phillips West Virginia Virginia relationship advice boundaries jealousy binge eating anxiety depression mental health family