It seems all I hear these days are complaints about President Donald Trump’s war with Iran. But let’s look at the bottom line, which, in my case, is the oil industry’s bottom line. We’re doing great!
Trump seeks $67B more as Iran war drags on
President Trump wants $67B more for the Iran war as families, troops and taxpayers struggle to understand the mission and how long it will last.
It seems all I hear these days are complaints about President Donald Trump’s war with Iran. As a humble oil executive, looking out on the Pacific Ocean from the wrap-around porch of my third mansion, I find these complaints deeply offensive.
Sure, the word “war” carries many negative connotations. But let’s look at the bottom line, which, in my case, is the oil industry’s bottom line. We’re doing great!
Just look at this New York Times headline from July 31: “Iran War Drives Oil Profits to Highest Levels in Years.” Huzzah!
ExxonMobil, Chevron are cashing in on the Iran war
In its second-quarter earnings report released that same day, Chevron showed it made $12.1 billion between April and June, up from $2.5 billion over those same months last year.
I asked the people who I pay to form a human abacus on my second mansion’s third polo field to calculate how big a jump that is, and they said it’s an almost fivefold increase. (They will receive extra beans in their sustenance canisters tonight!)
ExxonMobil earned $14.5 billion in the second quarter, more than double what it made last year.
Are we seeing these extravagant earnings because President Trump started an “unnecessary” war with Iran that has proved “intractable” and has driven up the price of sweet, sweet oil? YES! And while we would never advocate for war and care deeply about our military service members … YAY! I get to buy an island!
(Sorry, that was inaccurate. It’s actually an archipelago. I believe truth matters.)
Why all this ‘war is bad’ talk? I’m making a fortune!
The problem as I see it is there are too many naysayers out there who don’t appreciate a good thing (for me) when they see it.
All I hear is, “War is bad!” And, “Oil companies are raking in enormous profits while Americans struggle to afford high gas prices at the pump!” And, “Trump said this war would be over quickly but now it has been five months and he keeps saying there’s a peace deal coming but it never comes and it kind of appears he and Defense Secretary Pete Hegesth have no clue what they’re doing and have effectively handed enormous geopolitical power to Iran by failing to predict the Middle East nation would respond to a U.S. attack by closing the Strait of Hormuz, which is in part why no former president was dumb enough to start a war with Iran in the first place!”
Yeesh. Those scolds are really taking the shine off the $2 million McLaren W1 I bought so I can drive to my polo-field-based human abacus in under 30 seconds. Can’t they just be patient and wait for these massive oil industry profits to trickle down to them, as Republicans have for so long foretold?
Trump’s Iran war is becoming a regional war. Oh goody!
Making matters worse, “experts” and “people who read the news” keep noting that what Trump has called a “little excursion” into Iran is turning into a regional war. You’ve got the Iran-backed Houthis in Yemen firing missiles at Saudi Arabian ships in the Red Sea. You’ve got other Iranian proxies in Iraq launching drone attacks on the Saudi capital of Riyadh. And both Egypt and Jordan have been getting hit by Iranian forces.
As we say at our oil-industry-executive retreats as we’re swimming in pools filled with thousand dollar bills, “Oh well! What time is the human being hunt?”
Oil executives paid handsomely to get Trump elected
Look, I realize hearing me tell everyone to relax and trust us as we in the oil industry do nothing to help regular Americans may not be entirely convincing. But remember, we didn’t get where we are for free.
According to the environmental group Climate Power, which I plan to buy and turn into an AI data center, “Big Oil spent $450 million to influence Donald Trump and Republicans throughout the 2024 election cycle and 118th Congress.”
The New York Times reported that my industry ponied up “$75 million in direct donations to Mr. Trump and his campaign committees.”
Each and every industry executive had to dramatically downsize their fleet of private jets to make sure we got the right man in office. I had to furlough my home barista for an entire week, for goodness sakes!
Does Trump (wink) know the Iran war (wink) is good for Big Oil (wink)?
Now I’m not saying Trump joined up with Israel and started this war to pay back those of us in the oil industry who have given him enormous amounts of money and with whom he may or may not have cooked up untold backroom deals.
That’s no way to talk about a man whose moral compass thankfully always points toward his wallet.
No, all I’m saying is Americans are being way too negative about the Iran war. A new AP-NORC poll found only 3 out of 10 Americans approve of how Trump is handling the war and 64% of Americans don’t think the war has been worth fighting.
Poppycock! Clearly those Americans did not just see their earnings soar through their primary mansion’s artisan slate roof tiles. Maybe if they could afford a human abacus, the math of this war would make a bit more sense to them.
Harumph.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.