Remote caregiving collides with parenting across borders

remote caregiving – A Gen X expat in Spain describes the daily reality of caring for her 80-year-old mother in the UK—24/7 phone calls, virtual doctor visits, banking issues, and missed family moments—while also raising two children abroad and trying to manage arrangements like p

The cellphone rings in Spain, during the scramble to get two children—8 and 11—into bed. She answers immediately, because the call could be her mother in the UK: the third call that day, always urgent in tone even when it’s unclear what kind of emergency it is.

Sometimes her mother is simply stuck on something small—like forgetting how to use the TV channels. the microwave. or her bank PIN. Other times, it turns into a full logistics problem while she’s trying to keep her own home running. Every answer adds time to bedtime. Every missed moment feels personal, even when the issue is miles away.

She moved away from her hometown at 24, when her mother was raising her teenage brother. Back then. she says it never occurred to her that one day she would be caring for her mother while also raising children of her own. She did not see it coming, even as her adult life unfolded across countries on a constantly changing wish list.

She finally settled in Spain in 2012 and had children three years later. Even then, the idea that her mother might not remain independent never entered her mind—until it became a reality. Now her mother is 80 and lives with a variety of significant health conditions. and the practical burden often lands with her.

Her sister lives in the same town but has her own health issues. Her brother is in England, close enough to geography but not close enough to her mother’s everyday needs. She describes that her mother and brother don’t have the kind of relationship where he can help her in any practical sense.

The caregiving is remote, but it isn’t occasional. “Our conversations increasingly sound as if I am the worst customer service worker ever,” she writes, describing a working rhythm where her phone can’t be silent anymore. Her day is interrupted because it might be her mother—or a caretaker.

She accompanies her mother to doctor appointments virtually via WhatsApp. She coordinates with home caretakers. She books taxis using a subscription service that lets her call local phone numbers. She handles tasks that require being present—especially when her mother can’t manage basic technology or banking steps.

Last June, she flew home for the weekend to accompany her mother to a concert her sister had bought tickets for and planned to take her to. Treatment prevented that plan, leaving her to step in.

There are also days when her work and family life take a direct hit. She fields multiple calls a day from her mother when her mother can’t remember how to use household items like the microwave or when she has forgotten her bank PIN. Those calls mean missing half her kids’ football games or losing opportunities to help with homework.

One night, she describes being driven home at 11 p.m. while she handled another banking issue by phone. She had to explain transactions on her mother’s bank statement while her date waited and watched. “At least I managed to sound patient in front of him. ” she says. adding that it was the third time she’d explained the same thing that weekend.

On paper, she and her sister set up a Power of Attorney, but she says it turned out not to be as straightforward as she expected from abroad. She had to physically return to the UK in March to access the bank accounts and set up online banking.

That trip wasn’t just logistics—it was a reminder that consent and paperwork don’t remove the need for someone to be physically present at the moments that matter.

Her mother, she says, is fairly unaware of the logistics involved, though she is grateful for the help. On the rare days when they both have a good day, she says they can simply talk without her feeling guilty or irritated.

Still, there is a heavy layer beneath the practical problems: the experience shaping her children. She calls herself part of the “sandwich generation,” describing a situation that could go on for years. She worries that her kids are learning how to care for her later by watching how she cares for her mother now—down to the tone she uses when she’s tired.

She recounts a moment that landed with meaning: her youngest overheard her on the phone and later said, “Don’t be mean to Nanna.”

Her hope is that she can learn to manage it better, even as she expects it will only get harder.

caregiving long-term care expat Spain United Kingdom WhatsApp doctor appointments power of attorney banking access sandwich generation parenting