What America may lack in munitions, we presently make up for in chunks of failed Reflecting Pool liner and endless Trump store merch. Hit Iran with that and watch them beg for mercy.
Trump, officials address U.S. munitions stockpile claims
President Donald Trump addressed and denied reports of a U.S. munitions shortage amid the war with Iran.
As America continues its on-again/off-again/on-again war with Iran – the one that has cost close to $40 billion and seems to be accomplishing nothing – there are widespread reports we’re running low on missiles and other things that go boom.
Multiple sources told CNN: “The US military has exhausted nearly 80% of its interceptors for a key missile defense system as senior US military commanders are warning that the Pentagon’s munitions stockpile is ‘dangerously low.’ ”
The New York Times reported that “the war against Iran drained the Pentagon’s arsenal. The United States burned through around 1,100 long-range stealth cruise missiles built for a war with China, close to the total number remaining in the U.S. stockpile. The military has fired more than 1,000 Tomahawk cruise missiles, roughly 10 times the number it buys each year.”
Is it bad when an unnecessary war uses up ‘virtually all’ of our missiles?
Reuters, citing two sources, reported that the Army has used “virtually all” of its surface-to-surface Army Tactical Missile Systems and Precision Strike Missiles.
The bipartisan Center for Strategic & International Studies reported July 31: “Even before the current war, many analyses showed a need for larger munition inventories. Operation Epic Fury has exacerbated this munitions problem, and a multiyear rebuild now looms ahead.”
I don’t want to waste time questioning who’s telling the truth (Trump is definitely not telling the truth). I’m more of a solutions guy. So here are a few ideas that should ease concerns should the missile cupboard run bare.
Let Iran face the wrath of weaponized pieces of Reflecting Pool liner
What America may lack in munitions, we presently make up for in chunks of failed Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool liner. The coatings sprayed on the nearly 70,000 square feet of the pool’s surface are called Rhino 406 and Pipeliner 5000, which sound tough, though apparently not tough enough to withstand water, as the coatings swiftly began to come apart after the pool was refilled.
Regardless, I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of a hunk of Rhino 406 or Pipeliner 5000 fired from naval artillery or dropped from a B-52 bomber. It’s possible that discarded pool liner warfare is the thing that will break Iran.
America has an endless supply of potentially lethal Trump merch
Naturally, President Donald Trump denies all this and says everything is great and we have more munitions than we know what to do with, leaving Americans with a choice: Do you trust reliable sources of information, or do you trust the guy who lies about everything and started a war filled with sound and fury, signifying bupkis?
Another excellent source of things to hurl at our enemies is the Trump Store, purveyors of virtually any object that has room for someone to print or sew or etch the name “Trump.”
Imagine our brave troops gaining control of the Strait of Hormuz by pelting Iranian forces with double-wall, vacuum- insulated 30 ounce Trump Yeti Tumblers. Or unleashing a barrage of 12 ounce Trump-branded Freedom Candles, overwhelming the enemy with “The Scent of Freedom.”
There are Trump-branded pickleball rackets, perfect for hand-to-hand combat, and enough golf balls, snow globes, ice cream scoops, pool loungers and key chains to bury Iran in lethally unnecessary merch.
I’m 100% sure Trump would give America at least a 1% discount on each item (shipping and handling not included).
About that rubble from the East Wing … where’s my catapult?
This might require the construction of catapults, but our clever military leaders could certainly make use of the rubble from the White House’s East Wing, which Trump tore down to build a ballroom he wants. What better way to subdue a destructive Middle Eastern regime that longs to bring down our democracy than to bombard it with the ruins of our democracy?
If we can’t defeat them with conventional weapons, we can certainly overpower them with irony.
Repossessed appliances from people who can no longer afford food
It is, of course, possible that we’ll exhaust our munitions, our scrapped pool liner, our Trump-branded baubles and our leftover hunks of East Wing fighting a war that 66% of Americans don’t think is worth fighting, according to a recent Quinnipiac University poll.
But never fear. There will always be items repossessed from Americans who, thanks to the war, can no longer afford food or gas.
I’m confident our savvy leaders like Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth will be quick to develop tactical refrigerator drones and bunker-busting dishwasher bombs for maximum lethality.
The Iranians won’t know what hit them when the United States rains repossessed 2014 Ford Fusions from the sky.
As Trump wrote on Truth Social on Aug. 6: “The U.S. has massive amounts of ‘munitions,’ especially of certain types.”
Certain types indeed.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.