A string of beaver attacks in Maryland – a state not known for beaver-on-human violence – has put swimmers and boaters on notice and shown the rest of America what the future holds.
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Like most Americans enduring the horrors of everyday existence, I’ve been eagerly awaiting an uprising by nonhuman creatures.
Well, great news. The uprising is upon us, and the creatures are beavers!
A string of beaver attacks in Maryland – a state not known for beaver-on-human violence – has put swimmers and boaters on notice and shown the rest of America what the future holds.
Beavers, beavers everywhere. The revolution has begun.
Since July 26, the state has endured three beaver attacks. Also, according to the Maryland Department of Natural Resources, “a group that was canoeing reported a beaver attempting to charge one of their boats.”
Clearly, the beavers were inspired by the military prowess of Iberian orca whales that for years have been ramming boats in the Strait of Gibraltar.
According to a report in USA TODAY, a news organization critics have long accused of being sympathetic to beavers: “Beavers are considered nonaggressive animals and typically avoid human contact.”
Tell that to the folks who got beaver-chomped over the past month.
Our new beaver overlords can’t be worse than our current leaders
Regardless, I, for one, welcome our new beaver overlords and can’t wait to serve under semi-aquatic-rodent rule. It quite literally can’t be worse than the nonrodents presently in charge.
I imagine the takeover of America will be swift, since we’re all very tired. And our new human lifestyle will be wonderful. The beavers will provide us with a more relaxed life of building dams and lodges for colonies, and we’ll be treated well as long as we don’t make any loud noises or emit any strange scents.
It may take some time to switch to an herbivore diet, but if the conquering phalanxes of beavers can subsist on bark and twigs, so can we.
I imagine Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s Make America Healthy Again loyalists will be thrilled we’re all getting more fiber.
The good news is beavers don’t care about Iran or billionaires
As we enter the American Age of Beavers, there will be several additional benefits. The Iran war will stop, because beavers don’t know where Iran is and don’t care. All waterways leading to artificial intelligence data centers will be dammed up, bankrupting billionaires so beavers can move into their bunkers. And the human family unit will be mandatorily reinforced as beavers mate for life, unlike the president of the United States.
Now some weirdos out there might say I’m overreacting and trying to get people spun up over a small handful of beaver outliers who are certainly not a harbinger of an imminent wave of radical beaverism.
HAH!
Those are probably the same people telling me a small handful of democratic socialists running for office doesn’t represent the impending socialist overthrow of America. I know a trend when I see one, folks, and there’s no way I’m letting facts and logic get in the way of my narrative.
THE NARRATIVE CANNOT FAIL, IT CAN ONLY BE FAILED!
Be nice to beavers, and they will rule us with a kind and steady paw
Anyhoo, if you’re smart like me, you’ll put a “Beavers R Great!” sign in your yard next to a nice plate of veggies and welcome our stout, slippery new rulers.
But maybe stay away from rivers and canoes for a few weeks until the takeover is complete. Those suckers can bite.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.