I’ve lived abroad for 8 years, and now too many places feel like home

home isn’t – After spending her formative adult years moving between South America and Europe—often through diplomatic postings—Amanda Molenaar says “home” stopped being one place. Now 38, with friends scattered worldwide and a global life that can strain dating and belong

When Amanda Molenaar walks through her day at 38, “home” doesn’t arrive as a single address anymore. It comes in layers—London’s atmosphere. the nature of Brasilia. the streets of Buenos Aires—alongside what she still misses from the Netherlands. where family. friends. efficiency. good cheese. and all four seasons live in her memory.

Molenaar’s life has been shaped by movement since she was 19. when she paused her studies and spent a year and a half in South America. It started as an escape from the classroom. and quickly turned into a deeper attachment to living in a different culture—an attachment that would follow her for years.

She later lived in Buenos Aires, London, Brasilia, and Rio de Janeiro, partly as a diplomat. Those stays were rarely long: between 6 months and 3 years in each place. She also returned often to the Netherlands, where she is from, in between postings. The rhythm mattered. It meant constant change during the years that shaped her as an adult. and a “permanent level of uprootedness” that gradually became part of her sense of self.

For much of her career, her entry into professional life didn’t just bring new responsibilities—it brought new systems. After finishing her master’s degree in London. she took her first office job. and her introduction to the corporate world came with cultural differences too: British-style office politics and navigating filing taxes in a different system.

Three years later. after being hired by the Dutch Ministry of Foreign Affairs. she found herself in a completely new setting as a diplomat in Brazil. She described building a life in another language. creating routine in a new environment. and working through systems that differed from what she was used to. Her first time representing her country in Portuguese became a defining moment—an experience that made it real. she said. that another world had become her new normal.

Her years abroad also carried heavier chapters. She names burnout. professional growth. deepening friendships. falling in love. living through the COVID pandemic. the death of a friend. and navigating break-ups. As she kept reinventing herself. she said the places around her began to feel less like backdrops and more like ingredients—part of who she was becoming.

Now, she says, “home” isn’t just one place. It’s the accumulation of the last two decades—every location that shaped her. She recognizes the trade-off. The experiences feel “incredibly rich,” but they also make life more complex. With friends around the world, her heart is “scattered,” and that emotional dispersion makes settling feel harder than it sounds.

Molenaar has spent the last four years working as a life coach for expats. and she says she’s heard an equivalent question often: people want to know where they belong. Her own answer has shifted. She says her question isn’t “where do I belong?” but rather: “How do I choose between lives that all feel like mine?”.

In her work with expats, she says the challenge for many isn’t actually missing home. It’s learning to navigate a life that no longer fits into one place.

That reality also changes dating. She says she’s willing to settle down in one location for the right man. but she often questions whether they could fully relate. given their different experiences. Finding someone who sees life through the same lens—and feels equally excited about exchanging the comfort of the known for new opportunities abroad—has not been easy. Fortunately, she says, she’s now in that kind of relationship.

Despite the years of moving. the past six years included a different kind of steadiness: she’s spent most of that time back home. She called it good to grow more roots in one place and to be back after she unexpectedly lost both of her parents a few years ago. But she also says that chapter has come to an end.

She has already made the next decision. In a few months, she’s moving to Mexico City. She’s excited about making a new context her own again.

Even with that excitement, she doesn’t soften the harder lesson she’s learned. Staying steady in a global life is difficult. When novelty wears off, it can feel tempting to move. And when everything starts to feel like an option, choosing a single path becomes harder. Her conclusion is personal and blunt: she has to be her own anchor in a life with different homes.

In the end, Molenaar’s story is about belonging without the comfort of a single destination—about how a person can love the world and still feel unsettled, and how the solution may not be finding one “home,” but learning how to carry yourself through many.

Amanda Molenaar home living abroad diplomacy Netherlands Buenos Aires London Brasilia Rio de Janeiro Mexico City expats life coaching relocation