Dear Abby Columns Spotlight Trust, Grief, and Love

In three new Dear Abby letters, readers ask about whether to keep digging into old infidelity rumors, how families should preserve photos after a spouse’s death, and whether emotional and physical neglect counts as cheating.

A reader signing as “TO BELIEVE OR NOT TO BELIEVE” wrote to Dear Abby after years of suspicions about an affair—specifically, claims that his wife spent time with a man in a local bar on weekends “for quite a while.” When he confronted her with the rumors, she insisted she did nothing wrong.

What unsettled him most. he said. was the way she reacted when the man came up—talking about him in the bedroom. becoming very emotional. crying. and describing him as “kind. gentle. etc.” Even with that intensity. she maintained he was “barely an acquaintance.” The man is now deceased. and the husband asked for advice on how to get to the truth and whether forgiveness could come.

Abby’s response focused less on proving what happened and more on what the husband was doing now. The columnist pointed to the drinking buddy—now deceased—as “not a threat to your marriage. ” describing him as the kind of empathetic listener who is missed by the wife. She urged the husband to stop “rooting around in the past looking for a grievance” and to concentrate on the present.

Another letter came from a man grieving the loss of his wife after a yearlong illness. He said they had been married “51 years and six months to the day. ” and he wrote that he wasn’t looking for advice—only space to process the emotions that follow losing a spouse. But his message carried a specific plea for the family: his wife had been the photographer. and he now has hundreds of photos. though “very few of her. especially in the last few years.”.

His request was directed to their kids, grandkids, and great-grands. Take pictures of parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents—everybody in the family. He warned against the “I’ll do it next time” trap, saying tomorrow might be too late. He used the grief he is living with to make the point plain: the camera roll can outlast the days you assume you’ll have.

Dear Abby’s reply offered condolences and reinforced that message for a new reality. With many adults now carrying smartphones, she said, the task shouldn’t fall on one family member alone. In the future, the family will want to “cherish pictures of that person someday as well.”

The third letter shifted from loss and suspicion to a quieter form of pain: emotional deprivation. “MISSING SOMETHING IN MICHIGAN” asked whether opening up to someone outside her relationship counts as “emotionally cheating.” She has been with her boyfriend for 10 years. In that decade, she wrote, he has never shown outward affection. If she gets hurt. he responds with. “Well. why did you do that?” He says he loves her. but she said she doesn’t feel loved at all.

Sex has also been absent for six months. She described meeting someone who asks how her day was, whether she ate, and how she’s feeling. It feels good, she said, to be asked these things. Her question was pointed: if she’s being honest with this person, is she crossing a line emotionally?

Abby’s answer was blunt. A man who shows “no outward signs of affection” for 10 years. no concern or sympathy when she is hurt. and no physical relationship with her for half a year. she wrote. not only does not “love” her—whether he even likes her is “debatable.” She said it is not cheating to respond to someone who gives the things she has been starved for. And if the relationship goes beyond friendship, Abby advised it would be time to break up with her boyfriend.

The column is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Readers can reach Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or by mail at P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Dear Abby Abigail Van Buren Jeanne Phillips Pauline Phillips advice column infidelity rumors grief photography relationships emotional neglect cheating