Two readers wrote to Dear Abby about relationships that blur personal boundaries—one between longtime friends, the other at funerals where the “other woman” appears. Abigail Van Buren urges clarity in one case and restraint in the other, insisting that truth a
A longtime friendship can feel safe right up until the hints start sounding like something else. In a recent Dear Abby letter, a reader described “Maureen” as someone she met 25 years ago—dating briefly before both moved on, then gradually returning to closer contact over the years.
The reader said she and Maureen have remained friends in loose contact after dating for a few few months. then later both married and divorced other partners. Four years ago, she said, they began talking and socializing more often. Today, they live in different states but talk and text daily, and they also vacation together. The reader emphasized that she considers Maureen her best friend.
But she also made her position clear early on: she said she is not interested in dating or any romantic relationship. In fact, she told Abby she stopped dating nine years ago and has “never been able to make a romantic relationship work successfully.”
Even so, the reader wrote, Maureen has been giving off hints—both “subtle (and not-so-subtle)”—that she believes something more is possible. The reader said she downplays the intimations and then reinforces friendship boundaries, which she believes works in the moment.
Still, the tension grew when Maureen mentioned, in passing, that her adult son asked whether the two women are secretly married. The reader said she can’t tell whether Maureen is unclear with others about the nature of their friendship—or whether Maureen carries hope when she talks to other people.
Her fear is twofold: being too direct could cost her the friendship she values. but staying silent could also create a false hope that the two will eventually become a couple. She also worries that if her read is accurate. Maureen may be missing chances to date other men who could lead to a real romantic relationship.
Dear Abby’s reply was blunt in its aim: revisit the conversation about the son’s question and ask how he got the idea. Abby then urged the reader to tell Maureen that if she has been implying to others that the relationship is more than friendship. she needs to stop. Doing so. Abby wrote. could prevent Maureen from meeting eligible men with whom she could build a romantic relationship—something Abby framed as a direct. painful truth Maureen may need to hear.
In a separate letter, another reader described a different kind of boundary pressure—one that arrives at the worst possible moment: funerals.
This reader said they have witnessed events at funerals that “shouldn’t happen but seem to continue to happen.” Their example involved a woman who had a child with a married man. then showed up at the man’s funeral as if she were part of the family. The reader said the woman often attends with a grown child and uses the excuse that she is there for her child.
If the child is a minor. the reader argued the child should sit quietly at a discreet distance from the lover’s family. If the child is an adult, the reader said the woman should stay away entirely. The reader’s core point was about the widow: she has “tolerated enough” and should be allowed to bury the man in peace. The reader referred to the other woman as having done enough damage and asked why she gets to “do wrong and flaunt it.”.
They added that if legal matters need attention, they should be handled privately.
Abby’s response acknowledged the emotional reality but pushed the focus toward the surviving child and the need to avoid escalating an already fragile moment. Abby wrote that. whether minor or adult. the child is linked to both the mistress and the deceased’s family because of the child. That child. Abby said. has lost a parent and has a right to mourn. and the mother needs to be there.
On whether the widow can ignore the other woman’s presence, Abby said the widow can acknowledge or ignore the presence, and that the “other woman” may also be mourning the man as much or more than the wife is.
For Abby, the practical guidance was clear: in an uncomfortable situation like the one described, avoid creating a scene.
Both letters circle the same human problem—when one person’s understanding of a relationship clashes with another’s reality. In the first, Abby pushes for direct truth to protect a real friendship and keep hope from being manufactured. In the second, Abby presses restraint to protect mourning from turning into conflict.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. also known as Jeanne Phillips. and was founded by her mother. Pauline Phillips. Readers can contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069. For wedding planning, Abby also directs readers to order “How to Have a Lovely Wedding.”.
Dear Abby Abigail Van Buren friendship boundaries marriage hints funerals widow other woman mourning family drama