Kurtz explains, “When you spend that much time in survival mode, constantly monitoring for threats to your health, your world shrinks to the size of your symptoms.” She says much of your attention goes to “scanning outside you for threats, and scanning inside you for anything that signals something is about to go haywire with your health.” Recovery can take a while Kurtz says survival mode occurs at the level of the nervous system and doesn’t disappear as soon as the threat, such as illness,
does. Instead, it can take a while to recover. “If you don’t have the tools to change that behaviour and emerge from that space, it’s difficult to be fully present with another person, whether you’re dating or in a long-term relationship,” she says. It can be especially challenging to be present in a relationship when illness has altered your identity. As Amy Kurtz explains, many people begin to see themselves primarily as a patient, with every other part of who they are fading into the
background. Kurtz says, “I felt like I was constantly wearing a mask.” “I put on a ‘good patient’ mask for doctors and an ‘I’m fine!’ mask for everyone else.” Rather than expressing how she truly felt, Kurtz focused on making the people around her more comfortable, even as she struggled internally. “I was smiling, but inside I was struggling. It was the loneliest I have ever felt,” she says.
illness, survival mode, nervous system, relationships, dating, long-term relationship, masking, identity, Amy Kurtz