A husband in Ohio says his wife, after years of monogamy and having three children together, has started pushing for an open relationship and staying out until as late as 4 a.m. while he worries about the impact on their family.
When a marriage shifts, it doesn’t happen quietly for the person left behind in the dark.
A husband in Ohio wrote that he and his wife married four years ago with shared expectations: monogamy, hopes of a classic nuclear family, and political beliefs that matched. Within their first years together, they had three kids in 15 months and, he said, received no help from anyone.
He also acknowledged he wasn’t perfect. He sought out other women through online dating sites, though he insisted he never cheated.
Then, toward the end of their fourth year, he said his wife slept with another man—someone he describes as a friend of hers since she was younger. After that, he wrote, his wife began pressing for an open relationship.
What he can’t adjust to, he says, is the way it’s being asked for now. He claims she wants to go over to other men’s houses at all hours of the night. When she goes out, he wrote, she usually doesn’t return until 4 a.m. or later. He also said he has seen texts in which she uses sexual language—telling other men she’s “sexy” and that she’s attracted to them.
He says he has tried to draw a line without turning it into a fight. He wrote that he isn’t jealous, but he isn’t polyamorous—and that her refusal to stop is driving him “crazy.”
His wife, he said, responds by calling his stance “control” and “isolate[ing]” her, and telling him it’s his job to get over his jealousy.
In reply, Abigail Van Buren—also known as Jeanne Phillips, and written under the “Dear Abby” column founded by Pauline Phillips—told him he has serious decisions to make, including what is best for his three children and himself.
She said it isn’t controlling to want a monogamous marriage. And she argued that if that lifestyle no longer interests his wife, she doesn’t believe she will be willing to change her ways.
She also raised a question that could be crucial in any sudden shift in behavior: after parenting three children for four years. where is the energy coming from to stay out all night?. She asked whether something hormonal might be going on. She suggested postpartum depression and urged him to consult a licensed mental health professional to help figure out what may be happening.
She also advised that he talk with an attorney, not just about his options, but about child custody if it becomes necessary.
Underneath the facts—texts. late-night returns. a new relationship structure—the husband’s central fear is that the family order he built is being treated like an optional preference. not a shared agreement. And the response he received did not frame the conflict as a matter of winning. It framed it as a matter of protecting children while making decisions that can’t be postponed.
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