‘Nobody wants to win more than me – but nothing will ever be as bad as losing a child’: Hull assistant boss DEAN HOLDEN reveals how he’s coping with family tragedy, the secrets behind the Tigers’ flying start and the club’s ‘no jealousy’ policy

Not many football folk would be better placed to comment on the old Bill Shankly quote than Dean Holden.

The legendary Liverpool manager – in what was admittedly a dig at himself – once claimed that, to him, football was more important than life or death.

The Hull City assistant manager would beg to differ. ‘If we lose and I’m furious about it, I’ll think, “Cici hasn’t died”,’ Holden tells Daily Mail Sport. ‘I won’t let it affect me or how I prepare for our next match – I won’t let it linger. Don’t get me wrong – nobody wants to win more than me – but nothing will ever be as bad as losing a child.’

Cici is the daughter Holden and his wife Danielle lost in unimaginable circumstances. She was just 17 months old when she contracted meningococcal septicaemia on a family holiday in Lanzarote 14 years ago which turned into every parent’s nightmare.

‘Everything in life is fixable other than that one thing,’ Holden adds. ‘It does help put things into perspective. I’ll tell myself, “Calm down, you’ve lost a game of football”.’

To their immense credit, Holden and Danielle, childhood sweethearts, have never hidden from their tragedy. Aside from playing his part as the Tigers’ battle to stay in the grand reserve of the Premier League, he is starring along with his wife and four other children, in a YouTube series aptly-named Holden It Together.

Hull have made a flying start to the season with two wins – over Manchester United and Coventry City – out of two

‘Think the Salford Kardashians,’ he jokes, about what is, at times, an uproarious watch about life in their hectic Worsley home. 

Early in episode one, Holden references the statistic that 88 per cent of relationships which endure the loss of a child do not last beyond another two years. I ask why theirs is in the 12 per cent.

‘It’s because we refuse to let things we can’t control get in the way,’ he says. ‘It’s not all sweetness and light. People don’t tend to talk about what we talk about – like how the menopause has nearly ruined our marriage, what happened with Cici. All of it. It’s about brutal honesty. It’s about communication. There has been no magic cure.’

Which brings us to his boss, Hull manager Sergej Jakirovic. 

‘He’s all about honesty and clarity,’ Holden says. ‘He’s old school. He’ll tell players how it is to their faces. Black and white. There’s no dancing around things. His big thing is “no jealousy”. He tells the players not to be jealous of their team-mates if they’re getting picked instead of them. 

‘We brought 18 players in over the transfer window and he only reinforced it in a meeting yesterday. He might take two players off at half-time because he wants to make a tactical change. But nobody can mope around because the chances are he’ll pick them for the next game and they’ll need to be ready. His communication is unbelievable.’

On the pair’s first meeting there was a communication of a different kind. ‘Our teams were playing against each other when I was an assistant in Turkey,’ Holden recalls. ‘He did the old trick of waving an imaginary card to try and get one of our lads sent off and I wasn’t having it. 

‘He’s all about honesty and clarity,’ Holden says of his boss Sergej Jakirovic. ‘He’s old school. He’ll tell players how it is to their faces’

Holden and his TV presenter wife Danni (pictured with Frankie Dettori at Ascot) are childhood sweethearts 

‘I guess you could say we squared up and things got a little heated. I then had a call telling me Hull were bringing in a Bosnian manager with his assistants and that they wanted someone English with experience to work with them. 

‘We’re on this Zoom and I’m wondering if he remembers me and I hear one of his assistants say “You know who that is, don’t you?”. It actually helped me get the job. The club I was at, Adana Demirspor, had been deducted 12 points and were certainties for relegation. I think he respected the fact that, despite that, I wanted to win and to fight, which they respect in Turkey.’

Holden, who has managed Oldham Athletic, Bristol City and Charlton Athletic, is happy in his current surroundings although he does hope to return to management at some stage in the future. Each Friday he forms part of a five-a-side at the training ground which includes the club’s owner Acun Ilicali, dubbed Turkey’s answer to Simon Cowell. ‘We’re not allowed to kick him,’ he jokes. 

It is a club where everyone is expected to do their bit. Currently, staff are attempting to find houses for the 18 new arrivals, not to mention driving lessons for some. It is also a club which has already defeated the odds. 

Last season, shortly after Holden’s arrival, they were slapped with a transfer embargo. Having survived relegation on goal difference the previous season nobody outside of East Yorkshire would have predicted an exit from the Championship at the other end. And yet, that is what happened via a play-off final victory over Middlesbrough.

‘We were underdogs in most games last season,’ Holden, who overcame three broken legs (‘none were given as free-kicks’) to play for the likes of Bolton, Oldham and Peterborough, says. ‘So this season isn’t really any different. We had a lot of spirit, were really hard-working and carried no prima donnas. Just proper, humble, working-class lads who had come through the ranks and up through the levels.’

Before their stunning victory against United on the opening weekend, Joe Cole triggered headlines when he unkindly claimed Hull had arrived ‘through the back door’ and were already relegated before a ball had been kicked.

Before their stunning victory against Manchester United on the opening weekend, Joe Cole triggered headlines when he unkindly claimed Hull had arrived ‘through the back door’ 

‘The task is to stay up, simple as that,’ Holden says. ‘We know what we need points-wise’

‘We were aware of it,’ Holden says. ‘The manager mentioned it to the players. In fairness, I think they (Cole and podcast partner Carlton Cole) were having a laugh but it was disappointing to hear it from people who know how hard it is to make it as a player, let alone get to the Premier League.’

While the start has been stunning, with six points from six, there will be multiple hurdles ahead, not least in the shape of a wounded Aston Villa this weekend. Again, Holden may well turn to his past for inspiration.

‘You find ways,’ he says. ‘When Cici died Danielle was refused anti-depressants by her GP because she did not score enough points on the system. She was still getting out of bed every morning to take our other kids to school. It sounds wishy-washy but we went on this spiritual journey.     

‘We found the Wim Hof Method. We’re in the ice bath twice a day at the house and the kids are doing it now because they want to follow us. Physiologically, it resets you when you’re under a lot of stress. 

‘Yoga and meditation twice a day have probably saved both of us. You don’t have to go through what we’ve been through. There are tough times for a lot of people. You don’t have to have a child die to be struggling.’

There may well still be some grieving to come. Cici would have been 16 this December and Holden is considering returning to Lanzarote for a first time, where he says he may attempt to revisit her final day for an episode of the YouTube show dedicated to his daughter’s memory.    

‘Danielle’s said she never wants to go there again and I understand that,’ he explains. ‘I think I will. I think I still need to grieve myself. I’d hope it might help others. Share with them the feelings involved, and what to expect next.’

Holden, who suffered three broken legs during his career, played for the likes of Bolton (above), Oldham and Peterborough

‘My wife and I found the Wim Hof Method,’ says Holden. ‘We’re in the ice bath twice a day at the house’

When it comes to what next for himself, Holden, still only 46, admits he would love another shot at management.

At the moment, however, he is only thinking about the obvious. ‘The task is to stay up, simple as that,’ he says. ‘We know what we need points-wise, stats-wise, clean sheets-wise. 

‘A famous manager said to me after United “only nine more to go” then after we beat Coventry “only eight to go” because you know 10 wins and a few draws tends to be enough. You can have a lot of weekends where you’re disappointed but you just need to make sure you come back stronger.’

Few, in the Premier League this season, will be as well-equipped to do just that.