Longtime friends, divorce pain: how families cope

In a pair of letters to Dear Abby, readers describe two different kinds of damage inside close relationships: a longtime friend growing increasingly sharp around grandchildren, and a man devastated by a divorce he says he set in motion with business and financ

When a friendship stretches across decades. the changes feel personal—especially when they start to show up in small. exhausting moments. In one letter to Dear Abby. a reader explains that a group of friends grew up together and stayed connected for years. but many have died off. Now, three remain close.

One of them, “Marie,” has become increasingly “prickly” with each passing year, the writer says. When the writer mentions it to her, Marie responds, “Love me anyway!” The reader says they genuinely care about her, but they also spend less and less time together.

The friction comes to a head when the grandchildren visit. The writer describes Marie as gritting her teeth because her nerves are so frayed. Afterward. the reader’s daughter asks what is wrong with “Auntie.” The writer wants an answer—and suggests a plan that many families consider when someone is struggling: moving Marie in with their household so she wouldn’t be alone. They add that Marie is divorced. has no children. has trouble keeping up her home. and lives on a modest income.

The question is blunt: what is wrong with Marie?

Dear Abby responds by urging the writer to look for a cause before assuming the solution is proximity. The advice is to try to find out why Marie’s attitude has changed. It could be unhappiness with how her life has turned out, Dear Abby suggests. Another possibility, the letter says, is that Marie simply doesn’t enjoy the company of young children.

But the reply also comes with a warning about well-meaning fixes. Dear Abby tells the writer not to ask Marie to move in unless the family can provide private accommodations for her if the children stress her out. If the children’s presence is the real trigger. the advice recommends researching lower-cost. child-free alternatives that might better fit what Marie needs.

The second letter shifts to another kind of family rupture—one that starts with mistakes and ends with a door closing.

A reader writes that he is getting divorced and says he’s not happy about it. He and his wife have been married eight years and together for nine, and they have three children. The writer admits he made “a lot of mistakes in business and with finances” that. he says. caused his wife to no longer trust him.

He says they had agreed to move forward, to start over. Instead, he arrives to find that she has already gone on without him. The letter says she moved before him, met other men she liked more than him, and when he got there she told him, “Sorry, there’s the door.”

He says he’s devastated and angry. He believes she may sympathize with his pain, but he can’t get her to talk about it.

So he asks: how does he let go of his anger and move on with his life?

Dear Abby’s response is direct about what anger cannot change. If the wife wants to end the marriage, the writer can’t stop her. That is why, Dear Abby says, it’s important for him to consult an attorney about how to proceed—adding practical questions: whether he is employed, and whether she is.

The advice also turns toward what comes after the emotional impact. Someone will have to support the children until the writer is financially stable, Dear Abby notes.

Alongside legal steps, Dear Abby urges mental health support. The letter says the writer may need help from a mental health professional in order to let go of his anger and move on. And it leaves the timing uncertain—whether that help should come first or second—but insists the support is part of the path forward.

Taken together. the two letters land on the same hard truth from different directions: when relationships break down—or when they start to hurt in ways family members can’t ignore—the most urgent work isn’t just deciding what we want to do next. It’s understanding what’s actually driving someone’s behavior. and putting safeguards around the people who will feel the fallout first.

Dear Abby’s column is written by Abigail Van Buren. also known as Jeanne Phillips. and was founded by her mother. Pauline Phillips. Readers can contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069. For a collection of Abby’s memorable poems and essays—“Dear Abby — Keepers Booklet”—readers are instructed to send their name and mailing address. plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to P.O. Box 446, Kings Mills, OH 45034-0446, with shipping and handling included.

Dear Abby aging friend family relationships divorce advice anger management mental health legal advice grandchildren