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Problem Solved
Putting down roots in a new city can be difficult, and establishing new friendships and a sense of community just might be the most challenging part of it. After a recent move, it might feel like an entire extra job to go out of your way to make new connections, all while trying to find your way around your new environment and life.
Experts say there are some strategies that can help you connect with new acquaintances and even establish lifelong friendships, or at least find a colleague to carpool to work with or a friendly neighbor to lend you a missing ingredient.
Here’s what to try.
What to do in a city with no friends
Matthew Leahy, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist in Texas, says the process takes more repetition than people might expect. “We tend to imagine friendship happening because we meet the ‘right’ person, but familiarity and repeated shared experiences matter a lot. A whole lot,” he says. “Joining something that meets regularly: running/biking/any movement group, volunteer organization, recreational sports league, class, faith/church community, book club or even becoming a regular somewhere often works better than constantly attending one-off social events.”
Joining a group or club with an activity you already love can make it easier to make friends, and less pressure because if you don’t meet someone you still had a great time on your own.
Make the first friendship move
It’s a difficult and awkward part of making friends in new cities, but you often have to be the one to initiate interaction.
“Adults can easily get stuck waiting for someone else to make the first move because they’re worried about seeming awkward or overly eager. Sometimes building a social life really does require saying, ‘I enjoyed talking with you, can we do it again?’” Leahy says.
This can help you move past the “culture shock” of not having micro-interactions with familiar baristas, neighbors or acquaintances at the park. “Developing friendships helps a new city gradually stop feeling like somewhere you live and start feeling like home,” Leahy added.
Give yourself permission to be yourself
You don’t have to start over in a new city. Leahy says he often has to remind introverts they don’t have to suddenly like happy hours, for example. Instead, be yourself in a different place. Pushing yourself to build friendships too hard can cause anxiety and exhaustion.
Instead of jam-packing your schedule, he recommends one or two lower lifts each week in situations where you already see the same people repeatedly, to start connecting.
“Sometimes caring for yourself means giving yourself permission to recharge, yes, but sometimes it means gently pushing yourself to do something uncomfortable because connection is important to you,” Leahy says. “You can be nervous and still go. That’s how we manage anxiety. Doing something even if the brain is saying ‘no no no.’”
Make it about them
Everyone has been with a “friend” who talks constantly about themselves. Most don’t want to be with them for long.
Rather, Leahy recommends you “get curious instead of trying to be interesting.” This can double as a helpful way to learn more about your new city, such as if you ask someone about their favorite spots around town, or hidden gems where locals love to hang out.
You can ask follow-up questions by looking for “open doors,” he says, or spots in the conversation to learn more. “People usually give us clues about what they enjoy talking about if we’re paying attention.”