A specific cadence for contemporary group chats eludes me. The rapid-fire tempo of texts combined with custom stickers, often based on inside jokes, leaves me behind. My digital fate: the silent lurker. As I let the notifications wash over me, I am a ghostlike figure haunting the group chat, a silent watcher who rarely responds without a specific invocation.
Group chats are dominating the social lives of younger Americans. In a recent YouGov poll, 34 percent of adults under 30 said they are in at least four group chats, whether via text or other messaging app. Power texters are spending hours juggling multiple message threads—3 percent of adults under 30 said they are in more than 20 distinct group chats.
These group chats are not just for the young folk, though. All attempts at social interactions now spark a new group message. A WhatsApp thread for our monthly book club. An Instagram group for that weekend getaway. A bulbous iMessage chat with random cousins attempting to plan a family reunion. Group chat hell is everywhere you turn.
Here are a few tips for maintaining your sanity during the reign of the group chat, without becoming a textless social pariah. Hint: It’s all about boundaries.
Core Compromise
Maybe you thrive in the chaos of hundreds of notifications, but I don’t. I started by choosing which text threads were most important to me. A text thread with my immediate family is nonnegotiable. A group message about a trip that’s in one month is actually helpful for logistics. A random thread where people are throwing out Halloween ideas might be fun, but it’s on the chopping block. Make a short list of what you actually want to participate in and stay there.
Walk Away
For the others, you can leave the chat. It really is that easy. Especially for event-based group chats, I’m quick to leave the conversation after it’s all wrapped and any outstanding bills are settled. Much like I’m not going to be the last person to leave an afterparty, I’m walking away from group chats without hesitation. If there’s a specific aspect of the conversation I want to keep going, I’ll follow up with those people.
Mute It
You’ve picked your core group chats you don’t want to give up, and you’ve walked away from the rest. Now is your time to play with the notification settings and see what your smartphone offers. It’s worth looking into the settings overall, as well as the options for individualized threads inside apps, especially if some notifications rarely come through while other text threads are more active.
If you balk at the idea of notification distractions, consider Do Not Disturb settings. Be forewarned that being this unreachable can sometimes become a headache for those closest to you.
Get Creative
For those group chats you decide to stay in, why not spruce up the place a bit? Whether you’re on an iPhone or Android, there are plenty of options for making your group chats more specific to your context and potentially just more fun to use. Right now I’m watching Game of Thrones from the beginning for the first time. I have a group chat with friends to process some of our reactions and update the background image to whatever character I’m currently rooting for.
Go Direct
I mentioned earlier that when I leave a group thread and I want to keep some aspect of the conversation going, I’ll follow up directly with people. This seems to be the better direction to take overall. While you may get a dopamine rush from shooting off hilarious memes and receiving reaction emojis in the group chat, cultivating relationships often happens best with one-on-one moments. Directly texting someone feels like a worthwhile compromise to escape from group chat hell, without fully excluding yourself from modern messaging. Though a face-to-face chat always feels best.