In recent “Dear Abby” letters, two readers describe painful breakdowns—one family fractured after a father’s sudden death and a remarriage, and another relationship strained by a partner who can’t hold a job while the writer works two jobs and attends school.
When a family loses its center, the damage doesn’t always show up as obvious mourning. Sometimes it arrives as distance—silence where there used to be dinner-table noise, empty chairs where holidays used to mean something.
In one letter to Dear Abby. a woman writing from Missouri said her husband of 31 years died suddenly five years ago. She described a life that once felt steady and close: four kids. six grandkids. weekends spent at the lake. backyard barbecues by the pool. and football games. After his death, she said the family never quite healed. Now. she wrote. they get together only on major holidays. and the siblings no longer call each other—or her—or spend time together.
Her oldest son, she added, quit communicating with her altogether because she recently remarried. She wrote that he “doesn’t care for my husband. ” and she believes the situation has become so painful that her family may wish she had been the one to die. The grief. she said. has left her unable to do what she thought retirement would bring—enjoying good times with her kids and grandkids. “It breaks my heart. ” she wrote. asking whether the loss of the family as she knew it is something else she must mourn.
Abby’s reply was direct. She said that of course things changed with the death of the husband and father. and that he may have been the “core” of those shared traditions. But Abby also wrote that the family’s togetherness could still take a different shape—one that doesn’t mirror the past. but still includes enjoyment.
She told the woman she was not wrong for moving forward with her life. And she urged her to accept that her oldest son’s choice—turning his back—belongs to him. If the woman hasn’t already. Abby advised starting to issue invitations to her children and grandchildren to come enjoy life with her. It won’t be the same, she acknowledged, but she framed it as a chance for something to grow. If that doesn’t work out. Abby said the woman should enlarge her circle of friends. insisting that warm friendships can fill “a lot of empty space.”.
A second letter, from California, turned from the long aftermath of death to the daily strain of another kind of abandonment.
A reader described moving in with her boyfriend. writing that the step felt “great” at first—but the relationship quickly became financially unsustainable. She said he can’t seem to hold a job. While she works two jobs to cover rent, she also attends school. She struggled with how to tell him she doesn’t want to be with someone she has to provide for. She said she does want him—calling him the first guy she has ever actually liked.
Then the practical questions sharpened. Her boyfriend’s birthday is coming up, she wrote, and she wasn’t sure whether she should get him anything since he didn’t do anything on her birthday and she spent most of that day alone.
Abby’s answer came with the kind of clarity that doesn’t leave room for bargaining. She advised giving him “his walking papers.” Abby wrote that the reader should not keep working two jobs to feed him and pay rent because he’s jobless. unmotivated. and absent. Even if she likes him. Abby suggested staying would waste time—especially while she continues her studies and works toward earning her degree. If she persists. Abby argued. her chances of meeting someone who will be an equal partner will be better than “wasting your time with a deadbeat.”.
Taken together. the two letters show how heartbreak can turn into a pattern: people withdrawing. responsibilities shifting. and loneliness becoming the default instead of the exception. One reader is left trying to rebuild a family structure after a death and a remarriage. The other is left carrying a relationship on her own, paycheck by paycheck.
Abby’s advice. for both. centers on the same hard reality: grief and love don’t automatically restore connection. and attraction doesn’t erase unequal effort. Whether the separation comes through silence in a living room or through empty hands at home. the road forward. Abby suggested. starts with clearer boundaries—and with reaching for support that isn’t going to disappear the moment things get difficult.
Abby’s column is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips. It was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Readers can contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Dear Abby Abigail Van Buren grief remarriage family estrangement Missouri California relationship advice unemployment boundaries