In two Dear Abby letters, readers describe years of fallout after sexual harassment and drug addiction—then ask how to rebuild boundaries with relatives who may never fully agree on what forgiveness should look like. The advice comes back to one blunt idea: st
Two letters to Dear Abby, both rooted in long, raw family history, leave little doubt that “forgiveness” isn’t always the same thing as “ready to move on.”
In the first letter, a woman writes that four years ago, after a Christmas gathering, her brother-in-law sent her a message calling her “sexy” in her sweater. She responded with a polite “thanks.”
A year later, during another family gathering, he began texting her about her car, which soon turned into sexual advances. She tried to deflect them by being nice and redirecting the attention to what she called a great husband and father. His reply was, “Good answer!”
The advances continued. He sent her a photo of a naked woman taking a shower and asked her to send him one “just like it. ” but of her. She says she was confused and insulted. She called her other sister for advice. then sent him a message telling him never to contact her again and blocked him. She didn’t tell his wife—her sister—because she says she didn’t want to become the reason for trouble in their marriage. and she feared her sister would blame her.
Her other sister told her. “If he’s doing this to you. he’s doing it to others as well.” Five months later. he was caught. The letter says he had been having affairs with multiple women for three years. The brother-in-law and her sister separated. and he moved out. but the sister wanted him home so badly she “could hardly function.”.
After a few years, the couple got back together and says they are doing well. The letter’s writer says the unresolved problem remains: she doesn’t ever want to see him again. She adds that their family was hurt by him and that they don’t want him around during gatherings.
Now, her mother is turning 80 this year and wants a big party with all her family. The writer struggles with how to ask her sister not to bring her husband. She says her mother has forgiven him, but the rest of the family has not. Her question is whether there is a way to handle the party without hurting either her mother or her sister.
Dear Abby’s response is direct: the mother may only have a milestone birthday like this one once. The advice is to “hold your nose. ” attend the party. be polite. avoid the sister’s husband as much as possible. and focus on making the day memorable for the mother. The letter writer is told that once the celebration is over. she may not have to see him again until after her mother’s funeral.
The second letter is from a woman who says she hasn’t spoken to her daughter in almost seven years. She writes that when she got in trouble and was arrested for drugs, her daughter told her she didn’t want her children around a drug addict. The writer says she has been clean and sober since then.
She texts her daughter at least once a week, but the daughter does not answer those messages or calls. The writer adds that her daughter has four children she has never met. She says she misses her very much and wants an opportunity to show her daughter that people can change and get better. She also describes feeling sad and lonely without her daughter’s family.
Dear Abby’s response turns on the same emotional reality the writer can’t seem to escape: after seven years of no response. it’s time to stop pushing as hard. The letter says the daughter may not believe in rehabilitation, or the bridges may have been burned long ago. With no replies for so long. Dear Abby advises giving her daughter the space she wants and shifting effort toward relationships that can offer the writer something in return.
Taken together, the letters form a rare kind of family accounting—one that doesn’t end with an easy reconciliation. In one story, the question is whether boundaries can hold even when the rest of the family moves toward forgiveness. In the other, the question is whether persistence helps—or whether it simply keeps reopening a wound.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. The letters also include practical contact information for readers who want to write in.
Dear Abby family conflict forgiveness boundaries brother-in-law harassment sobriety drug addiction estranged parent milestone birthday