long talk – A Dear Abby letter from a gay man in Idaho describes years of unhealed religious trauma, a growing mismatch in intimacy and life goals, and new feelings that expose how much has been left unsaid. Abigail Van Buren urges a long, direct talk before any decision
The crux of the letter isn’t new doubt—it’s delayed honesty.
A gay man writing to Dear Abby says he has been married for seven years. and together for 12. with a husband he calls “wonderful.” But he describes a relationship shaped by his husband’s religious trauma. which affects both desire and the ability to be intimate. He says they have seen counselors, talked through it, and worked on the value they place on physical intimacy. In his telling, “Nothing has changed.”.
He also points to limited acceptance—from his husband’s family and from many of those who live in their geographic area. Over time, he says he started pushing aside problems, treating them as “no big deal,” even as he remained unsatisfied with his needs.
Two years ago, he began working on a degree with the hope of becoming more self-sufficient and pursuing a career aligned with his interests. Now that he has graduated and is establishing his career, he says his goals and values no longer line up with his husband’s.
Then there is another presence in the story: he says he has met another man who seems more aligned with what he is looking for, and who has expressed interest.
He insists he doesn’t want to end the marriage over a new relationship. Still. he says the feelings that surfaced have made something clearer—how far apart he believes he and his husband have grown. and for how long. He describes being torn between staying in a marriage that has helped him find some happiness and leaving after more than a decade to pursue what he believes is best for him.
The question he asks is blunt: is it only a “seven-year itch,” or are these issues enough to part ways? He writes that he’s struggling and wants insight.
Dear Abby’s response is direct. “It’s time for a long talk” with his husband. Abigail Van Buren writes. covering every issue the letter outlines: sexual incompatibility. the family problems. and the fact that the writer is no longer happy living in the geographic area because of attitudes about homosexuality. She also points to “the fact that you have met someone.”.
Van Buren tells him the two of them have “a lot going against you,” but warns against ending the marriage without communicating that things have not been happy for a very long time and why.
The second letter in the column shifts to a different kind of hurt—workplace humiliation after a typo—but it doesn’t change the emotional center of this one: the recurring theme that feelings and fractures don’t get smaller when they’re kept quiet. The advice in this case lands on timing and candor—talk first, and only then decide what comes next.
Dear Abby marriage intimacy religious trauma LGBTQ sexual compatibility family acceptance workplace typo Abigail Van Buren Jeanne Phillips