Abby’s advice – In a Dear Abby column, a woman in Colorado worries her partner is insecure about her high-paying career, withdraws when she needs help, and repeatedly delays moving in—while Abby urges her to confront the mismatch or pursue couples counseling.
When a partner repeatedly withdraws just as work gets hardest, it doesn’t feel like a misunderstanding. It feels like a pattern that’s already decided how hard times will be handled—or not handled at all.
In a letter from Colorado. a woman wrote that she has been with her partner. “Greg. ” for a year and has built a stable. high-paying career. She said she pursued work that would let her support future children financially. and that her success has led to “several big promotions. ” along with more demanding schedules and draining technical tasks at times.
During those stressful periods. she described Greg as doing something that hurts in a very specific way: he “suddenly withdraws” and starts “boasting about his income and work demands.” She said he comes by less often. and when he is around. he seems uninterested in her activities. She added that he refuses to help with household chores. claiming his work is too demanding and that he is too tired because he is “so important.”.
The writer says she’s noticed a disconnect between Greg’s words and his actions. She argued his job is “much less demanding” than hers. and she feels he is overinflating it to boost his ego. She said she’s tried encouraging his confidence, but that only seems to make him less focused on helping her. In her telling. the timeline is hard to ignore: when her workload becomes more stressful and she needs his help. he “disappears.”.
There’s also the matter of moving in. The woman wrote that Greg has promised for months that he would move in with her. but it has been five months and still nothing. She said she has raised the issues and told him she feels lonely and unsupported. Greg responded that she has “the wrong idea” and that he is “not a sexist. ” but she can’t help seeing what she describes as the same pattern repeating.
Her question to Abby is blunt and practical: if she wants a family and is looking to settle down, should she keep trying to work things out with Greg—or cut her losses?
Abby’s response is direct. “Face it,” Abby wrote, saying what the woman has with Greg is “what you will get” if the relationship goes further. Abby described him as a “nice, if insecure, man,” but said the situation includes more than one issue.
Abby offered a possible path forward—if both are willing. She said couples counseling could make it possible to forge the closer relationship the writer is seeking. But she made the alternative clear as well: if couples counseling isn’t possible. Abby advised that she should part with him “as friends.”.
The column, signed by Abigail Van Buren—also known as Jeanne Phillips—was founded by Pauline Phillips, and it ends with the usual directions for contacting Dear Abby and other published materials.
Dear Abby relationship advice insecurity moving in couples counseling household chores career success loneliness Colorado