Dear Abby’s – In a Dear Abby column, a man says his wife of two years is hiding relationships, lying when confronted, and threatening legal action over their savings. In another letter, a woman describes being stuck in grief over a married woman who previously led her on. A
A man writing from New England described his marriage as a mix of love and constant doubt—after he says he began noticing his wife’s attraction to other women soon after they bought a condo together.
He told Abby he has been married for two years. The couple met online, and the pair had known each other for about five years before they eventually decided to live closer—moving from an arrangement where they lived about an hour apart to purchasing a condo together after “some persuasion.”
His trouble, he wrote, began when he noticed his wife’s attention shifting toward other women. He described seeing lesbians “cruising” his wife wherever they went. including on vacation and even in ordinary places like the grocery store. He also said he believes she is finding women online and having sex with them.
In his view, she is not gay. He wrote that he thinks she “just enjoys the sex part” and added that she still has sex with him.
But the secrecy—he says his wife denies everything even as he says he has caught her in many lies—has worn him down. He is retired, he wrote, and the couple is living off both of their savings, but “most of it is hers.” He said she has threatened to take a lot of his savings through litigation.
Abby’s response was blunt: even if he believes his wife isn’t gay. Abby said the pattern he describes could fit bisexual behavior. She focused less on labels than on the problems she says he cannot ignore—especially the secrecy. the threats to his savings. and the way he says he isn’t getting straight answers when he confronts her.
She also advised him to consider whether he is at risk for an STD. And she told him he may need to discuss the situation with a lawyer.
When it comes to his finances, Abby pointed him toward a question he appears to have been avoiding. Because both partners invested in the condo. she asked whether he would be entitled to half the money from its sale. She also urged him to think about how he managed to survive before meeting his wife and whether he could live that way again if he left.
A second letter in the column came from Arizona, where a writer said she is still unable to let go of “what if?” after years of mourning.
She wrote that she is in love with a married woman. She said she had been in love with her many years ago, and that before the woman was married, she knew about that love, “but she lied to me and led me on.” The woman later married someone else, leaving the writer “devastated.”
Now, even after many years, the writer says she remains haunted, unable to move on, believing she can never get past the emotional weight of what might have been. She wrote that it feels like things will never change.
Abby responded with a reminder that emotional pain can be real—but still not permanent. She said that when she was young she had been in love with Steve Reeves and Robert Redford. describing the heartbreak as something that doesn’t always end the way you want. Then Abby placed the choice back in the writer’s hands: if the writer wants to keep pining after someone who lied and married someone else. Abby said she could do that—but if she wants to get beyond the lingering pain. she should ask her physician or insurance company for the name of a licensed psychologist.
Abby told her, simply, that she CAN move on—though she added it would take “concerted effort.”
The column is written by Abigail Van Buren. also known as Jeanne Phillips. and was founded by her mother. Pauline Phillips. Abby directs readers to DearAbby.com, and provides a mailing address in Los Angeles for correspondence at P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069. For a separate booklet of Abby’s poems and essays, she lists a $8 (U.S. funds) price and mailing instructions to P.O. Box 446, Kings Mills, OH 45034-0446, noting that shipping and handling are included.
Dear Abby Abigail Van Buren Jeanne Phillips New England Arizona marriage divorce legal threats savings condo STD bisexual grief psychologist