If you’re often seeking out quiet places at work to hide, scream, let off steam, or even cry, only to emerge sometime later acting as if everything is fine, you may be prone to something called “hushed coping.” And it might be holding you back in your career, especially if you’re a woman.
Hushed coping describes the habit of squashing down feelings of overwhelm and stress, and struggling along in silence. For women, it can come with the additional complication of fighting against the long-standing stereotype that showing too much emotion at work is unprofessional.
One study of 115 women working in the public sector, published in the Journal of Social Equity and Public Administration in January, found that around 55% of respondents agreed their job required them to hide their true feelings. Participants also reported that they often or almost always hid anger (43%), irritation (40%), helplessness (37%), and sadness (34%).
“Women really want to feel seen, want to feel valued, and are feeling a lot of things in the workplace. But they don’t have the environment where they can really say out loud what they want,” Léonie Kennepohl, a female leadership expert and cofounder of the career and media platform Female x Finance, tells Fast Company.
“The workplace is designed like, shut your mouth and work,” she adds. Staying quiet can feel like the professionally safer option.
But the behaviors that make someone less likely to be labeled emotional can also make them less likely to be noticed, heard, and ultimately promoted. Hushed coping can also mean avoiding difficult conversations, turning down opportunities, and quietly absorbing unsustainable workloads.
“Women assume a lot of things about a business without talking about it,” Kennepohl says. “You get into a negative spiral of, like, ‘I can’t do this and I can’t do that,’ instead of just asking.”
The career cost can therefore be difficult to spot because it accumulates through all the things someone doesn’t do, says Kristine Sickels, CEO and cofounder of the consulting firm Mic Drop Workshop. “That is what makes hushed coping so expensive. The cost is quiet and cumulative,” she tells Fast Company.
“It is the promotion you do not pursue because you are underwater, the boundary you never set, the feedback you swallow,” she continues. “None of it shows up in one dramatic moment, which is exactly why it is so easy to keep doing.”
Amy Vigliotti, a licensed psychologist and founder of therapy practice SelfWorks, tells Fast Company that hushed coping can stem from feeling unnoticed, disrespected, or unappreciated; dealing with toxic managers; or seeing few opportunities for growth. Over time, it can develop into a kind of learned hopelessness. If speaking up hasn’t changed anything in the past, why bother trying again?
Suffering in silence can wear employees out emotionally and psychologically, Vigliotti says, eventually undermining their motivation and even making them question their own competence. It can hurt employers as well: When people don’t feel safe enough to share ideas, ask questions, or raise concerns, employee silence can become “a critical barrier to organizational change and development,” she says.
Hushed coping is a sign that things need to change. Genie Harrison, an employee rights lawyer and cofounder of the Genie Harrison Law Firm, tells Fast Company that if anyone falling into the hushed coping trap is absorbing an unsustainable workload, she should first prepare for a straightforward conversation with her supervisor about her list of projects, timing demands, and commitment to the company. Harrison also recommends practicing your delivery calmly before you head into the meeting, so you can express your needs without feeling overwhelmed.
“Consider telling your supervisor that you believe it’s in the company’s best interest to increase resources on the projects to ensure timely delivery at the highest level of competency and execution,” she says. “If you’ve tried clear communication and the company isn’t listening, you have the information you need about that company.”
Vigliotti agrees that speaking up is important, but says breaking the habit doesn’t necessarily mean starting with your boss.
“I think the main point here is, sometimes when you’re first breaking that habit, start with an audience that feels most reasonable and safe and will respect the input that you’re giving,” she adds.
Kennepohl similarly suggests starting small. The first move can simply be talking through your concerns with a trusted colleague, who may share them or be able to offer a valuable reality check.
“The first step is always to have the conversation with someone you trust in the organization that has been there for more years than you, knows the culture, knows how things are done there—you’ll probably hear it’s nothing personal,” she says.
Sometimes, that conversation may reveal that the stress your manager is displaying has nothing to do with your performance, and it could open the door to more honest communication.
“Everyone is busy and everyone deals differently with stress, but don’t take it personally,” Kennepohl says.