A bereaved mother explains how grief reshaped Mother’s Day—from avoiding the day after her son’s death to visiting his grave.
A Mother’s Day that once meant breakfast in bed and neighborhood walks eventually became something else entirely: a visit to her son’s grave, the place where she says her family feels whole.
She doesn’t recall the first Mother’s Day in her life as a new mother—more than 16 years ago—but she remembers what it likely looked like.. Her husband. Nick. would have made breakfast for her. and their five-month-old son. William. would have been there too. nursing himself back to sleep.. They may have walked nearby or driven from Oakland across the Bay Bridge into San Francisco to spend time along the Embarcadero in Bay Area spring sunshine.
As her family grew, the day shifted from celebration to something harder to manage.. When her son Kai was born in 2012. she became a mother for the second time. and Mother’s Day started to feel less like a break and more like an escape—especially for her.. As the stay-at-home parent. she wanted time alone away from the constant needs of young children. a few hours to get her nails done or exercise without kids at her feet. and a chance to pretend she didn’t have children at all.
That idea of “me time” collapsed after tragedy.. William died in a tragic ski accident in 2019, and the meaning of motherhood changed overnight.. The care and love she had poured into her son were not enough to keep him alive. and she says she was left with intense shame and embarrassment—feelings rooted in the belief that her child had died on her watch.
During the first year after William died, she tried to shut Mother’s Day out completely. She pretended the day didn’t exist, unable to celebrate or acknowledge a holiday that felt like a direct blow to a newly bereaved mother.
About six months into her grief. she and her husband made the decision to try again—choosing to have another child and return to parenting.. Once that happened. she began learning how to parent William again. too. in a way that didn’t require him to be physically present.. He was no longer there to tuck in at night or help with homework. but she says she could keep him involved by talking about him. sharing his story. creating a legacy through service done in his name. and teaching his younger brother about him.
For her, becoming a mother again became a way back through darkness—not only to raise living children, but to continue mothering William. She frames it as a pathway that brought “William’s light” back into our world, by choosing to parent him even after death.
In recent years, Mother’s Day has become a deliberate ritual.. Instead of treating the holiday as something to avoid. she now chooses to spend it at the cemetery. describing it as the place where she feels most complete as a family.. Her husband and she bring their living children there, and they sit together to visit their dead son.
She stresses that this was never the plan she had imagined—no “perfect bow” ending.. But it is her reality. and she says she has developed ways to cope with being a bereaved mother. especially on a day that many people experience as a celebration meant for joy.. For her. being at the cemetery on Mother’s Day allows her to hold both joy and pain at the same time. and to show her living children that they can show up even when it’s difficult and not what most people do.
She also works to ensure the pilgrimage doesn’t become an additional burden for the children who are still alive.. Rather than making it a solemn task. she and her family turn it into an outing—packing a picnic brunch with coffee. croissants. and fruit. bringing a blanket. and adding simple ways to keep children active such as frisbees and balls.. She describes family moments that unfold in the cemetery itself: her teenager climbs a maple tree in front of William’s gravesite and swings down from its branches while her younger child. Bodhi. watches from below.
The day isn’t just about William’s grave; it’s also about the broader human story contained in the grounds.. With two dogs now part of their family. the outing expands into a walk around the entire cemetery. pointing out new and old graves.. They talk about whose resting place they’re seeing and about the stories that might be under the markers. including graves for babies—some with simple “Father” or “Mother” inscriptions.. She says she finds meaning in recognizing that many families share similar circumstances.
At the heart of her approach is an insistence that the dead and the living can both belong to family life.. She connects with William—her son. and the one who made her a mother—and at the same time she says she loves the living family they have become.. In the way she observes Mother’s Day. she has learned that a bereaved parent can do both: honor what’s gone while still moving forward with the family that remains.
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