Verbal abuse and regrets: Abby’s hard truths

Dear Abby addresses two letters: one from a woman whose husband has spent decades humiliating and verbally battering her while her high blood pressure worsens, urging her to seek a therapist alone; and another from a woman still haunted by rumors she helped sp

When the woman who wrote to Dear Abby said she’s been married for 40 years, it wasn’t the length of the relationship that landed hardest. It was the daily grind of being controlled, corrected, and yelled at—sometimes in public.

“My husband is controlling. ” she wrote. describing how he insists that everything be done his way and will “go on and on about it” when she chooses differently. She said he tells her to “make up my mind. ” but then gets angry when she does. offering “all the reasons it was wrong.” She added that he has never hit her. but that she has felt “mentally and verbally battered all the time.”.

The letter also described humiliation in front of others. The writer said her husband has “hollered at me out in public,” which she called humiliating. She said it has weighed on her even more because she worries about what their granddaughters might learn from the way he complains and yells in front of her—especially because she doesn’t want them to think it’s acceptable for a male to shout and correct someone in front of other people.

Still, she said she can’t bring herself to throw away 40 years. She has asked him to go to a marriage counselor with her, but he refuses. When she points out that her father never yelled at her mother in front of them, she said her husband responds that she was raised in a “make-believe world.”

The toll, she wrote, is showing up in her health. She said her blood pressure is high and that she is “on two medicines for it.”

In response, Abby did not soften the message. “For the last 40 years, you have been gaslighted,” she wrote. She stressed the health stakes, noting that “People with high blood pressure are at increased risk for strokes and heart attacks.”

Abby also pushed back on the idea that helpful behavior can cancel out the harm. “Helping with the cooking, cleaning and laundry does not make up for the abuse you are receiving,” she wrote, pointing directly to the writer’s account of verbal abuse and humiliation.

Then came the practical instruction tied to the writer’s situation: because the verbal abuse is now affecting her health. Abby urged her to “find the number of that marriage and family therapist you hoped to see with him. and go alone!” She added that doing so “may give you the tools not only to improve your health. but also to deal with the dysfunction at home.”.

Abby’s mailbox also held another kind of ache—one that doesn’t involve a spouse, but still comes back decades later.

A woman in her 50s wrote to say that at the end of elementary school. she helped spread “untrue and hurtful rumors” about another girl and boy in her class. She said that when the situation came to light. she “ended up taking the fall. ” and that “almost my entire class turned against” her. Instead of apologizing to the two children. which she said she should have done. she “ignored the situation and tried to go forward.”.

She wrote that a few months later, the family moved and she had “no further contact with anyone from that school.” Even so, she said she still feels “regret and pain” because of what she did—despite the fact that more than 40 years have passed.

She said she has considered finding the girl and boy and giving them the apology she believes she should have offered long ago. Her fear is that because so much time has passed. they might think she is “odd for still worrying about it.” She asked Abby what thoughts she has about seeking forgiveness for mistakes from one’s youth.

Abby’s answer was firm but focused on what she believes matters most. She asked, “So you ‘took the fall’?” and said everyone who repeated the falsehood “should have taken it with you.”

But she didn’t dismiss the letter writer’s remorse. Abby told her that because it still bothers her after all these years. she should reach out and apologize if she can track down the people she hurt. At the same time. Abby was clear that the apology should not come with a demand for a response: she said the woman should “do it without any expectation of forgiveness.” The reason. Abby wrote. is not to rewrite the past for its own sake. but “because it will clear your conscience.”.

Abby’s column is written by Abigail Van Buren. also known as Jeanne Phillips. and was founded by her mother. Pauline Phillips. Readers can contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or by mail at P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069. To order “How to Write Letters for All Occasions. ” the column lists a request for a name and mailing address. along with a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby — Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 446, Kings Mills, OH 45034-0446, with shipping and handling included.

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